Grieving your Pet; Giving them a Good Death
Diane McGeachy
Psychologist
Gestalt Psychotherapist
Hobart, Tasmania
This content is applicable for any type of human-animal bond, for the sake of simplicity and ease, the word dog will be used symbolically for all animals.
For many of us, our relationship with our pets is a rare example of unconditional love. Some say the love for your child or pet is the purest form of unconditional love. Others believe the love between human and animal is the utmost form of pure love. This article is written for those who are grieving the death of their beloved animal and for those who are preparing for a future death and loss.
Grief is what occurs when someone or something we are attached to is gone. Grief is not a choice, it is a natural human response to loss. The depth of our love, attachment and bond to our dog, the stronger our experience of grief, anguish and heartbreak when they die. When experiencing deep grief, you might feel disconnected from yourself and from the world around you. You may feel an invisible heaviness in your body and temporarily lose interest in things you once enjoyed. Some experience overwhelming despair and sadness.
Everyone deals with grief differently. It is important to accept however you are feeling and to understand there is no such thing as bad or wrong emotions or a right or wrong way to grieve. Elisabeth Kϋbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in the study of death worked with people dealing with their own terminal diagnosis. She identified the following stages of grief from spending time with these individuals; denial, anger, bargaining, sadness (depression) and eventually acceptance. David Kessler added a sixth stage; meaning making.
Having a framework can feel helpful to assist in making sense and to understand what you are experiencing. Most people do not go through these stages in sequence, you might resonate with some or all of these experiences, at different times (not linear) and for varied durations.
Growing Around Grief
The growing around grief model is the idea is that our grief does not shrink/heal/reduce. We don’t “get over” our loss, rather we can continue to grow and evolve in our life and this new growth, develops around our grief. In other words, our lives have the potential to grow with new dimensions, instead of our grief becoming smaller.
How we feel, is simply, how we feel in a given moment. Some people feel ashamed at the intensity of their grief when their dog dies and believe it is not an accepted cultural experience. There will always be those who do not connect or relate to animals as much as others. As such, they do not put animals on the same level as humans in terms of importance and the role they play in a person’s life. Thus, they may not able to understand and validate your grief and experience of loss. That being said, there are just as many, if not more people who do get it. Who understand that grieving your dog can be the same if not more painful than the death of a family member or person close to you. Many of us spend more time with our dogs than any other human. They can become our shadows, our confidant, our best friend. It is understandable then, that when our pet dies their absence is unavoidably sharp and blunt from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep. The absence of the sounds they made, the habits we once had of needing to get home to take them for a walk, the happy wagging of a tail, is a constant reminder of the anguish and void we might feel.
Many people, whatever their circumstances, deeply love and cherish their dog. Over the years I have found there are some human experiences that tend to correlate with developing an exceptionally unique in-depth bonding and relationship with your dog.
Some examples of these circumstances can include individuals who;
• Are introverted.
• Have been in, or, are currently in a family violence situation (your dog is sometimes the only witness to the abuse and violence. They are most often a loyal and loving companion. You might talk to them and tell them your secrets and they become your secret keeper, protector and non-judgmental confidant).
• Have experienced complex trauma and/or have PTSD.
• Are autistic and/or other neurodivergant individuals.
• Experience chronic pain and health issues.
• Live alone or are not in a romantic relationship.
• Struggle with social interactions and find interpersonal relationships to be more stressful than fulfilling more often.
How to Help Your Pet Die Well
We don’t usually want to think about death and dying. Humans are quite poor at allowing ourselves to think about our own death and tend to want to avoid the topic all together.
We are not always in a position where we can plan for our dog’s death. Traumatic accidents, emergencies or being away means we do the best we can within our set of circumstances. If you are lucky enough to be given the gift of time; in the sense of knowing that your dog is going to die and having the time (months, weeks, days) to prepare. Each family may have their own special rituals and ways of preparing. If you struggle to know where to begin, here are some ideas that could be helpful to consider:
• Consider arranging a veterinarian to come to your home when the time comes for their end of life. Many do offer this service and it is an incredible offering. Ask around as you may have others recommend someone or ask your local vet if they provide an outreach service or if they can recommend a local service who does. Have this information stored and saved ahead of time.
• Dying at home in their familiar environment, scents, sounds and their favourite spot is the ideal choice (when possible).
• Cook your dog their favourite meal.
• Take your dog to their favourite places (beach, trail, swim, etc.)
• Create a playlist for the day (one for during, soft calming music and one for yourself for afterwards)
• Make sure you have all the photos and videos you need of your dog.
• Organise for family (including extended) and/or close friends to be with you and to be able to say their goodbyes.
• Read a poem or write a poem.
• Share a favourite memory or story about your beloved animal.
• Draw or paint an image of your dog.
• Commission a professional to draw a portrait or special scene with your dog.
• Give some thought to whether you want to bury or cremate your dog (consider whether you are likely to remain living at this home for the foreseeable future or if you are likely to relocate. Ask yourself how you think you will feel if you move and had to leave behind your dog if they are buried on the property.
If you decided to cremate your dog plan a family outing to scatter their ashes in your chosen place. Consider whether your child and other family members want to keep some of the ashes.
• If you decided to bury your dog consider whether as a family you want to plant a special tree, bush or flowers at the burial site.
End of Life Day
• Prepare a last favourite meal for your dog (if appetite is present).
• Have calm, soothing music playlist playing (if this suits you).
• Help your dog settle in their favourite spot.
• Have those at home with you who you have asked to be present.
• Read a poem or write a poem.
• Decide if you would like to keep some of their fur.
• Veterinarian’s will often offer to take a paw print of your dog for you to keep (if they don’t offer you can make a request). • Consider holding our providing a gentle, firm touch for your dog while they take their last breaths. They can feel reassured by your touch and presence as their lifeforce leaves their body. • Host a family meal or drinks afterwards. This may sound odd; however, it can be an experience that fosters closeness and connection in the midst of your pain and sadness. In safe and loving relationships grief does best when you have a space to come together where you can feel held by one another and share in your pain.
How to include children
Adults can believe it is their job to shield their child and protect them from having upsetting feelings. This is not so. It is healthy and developmentally important for children to be able to feel and express their difficult and sad emotions. By being able to tolerate your child’s feelings without trying to fix or make them happier you are modelling to them. It is OK and safe to feel their emotions without needing to inhibit, distract or disguise their experience. No feeling is permanent and your child will demonstrate this organically if you can tolerate being with your child in their sadness and grief as well as your own. It is confusing for children if they are sheltered, not present, or if once your dog dies they are no longer discussed or spoken about for fear of upsetting your child or yourself. This forms an abrupt ending that lacks integration and understanding of death and loss.
Some ways to include children that fosters healthy regulation and integration of grief:
• Allow them to be home for their dog’s death and be with the people they love most. Taking a day off school is OK if your child wants to be at home. • Invite them (and all of the adults) to draw a picture of your dog. Go around the circle to share.
Invite them to write a story or a poem about your dog. Ask each person to share if they want to.
• While you are sitting around a table with food or drink invite everyone to share their favourite memory of your dog.
• Ask your child what is one thing their dog taught them about themselves? Have everyone share.
• Ask your child what is one thing they will miss the most about their dog? Have everyone share.
• Offer your child the choice to keep something of their dog (i.e. name tag, collar, lead, etc.)
• Get a special photo framed that can stay in their room or be put on their bedroom wall.
The difference between Grief and Mourning
Grief is the internal experience comprised of thoughts, feelings, beliefs and sensations. It can be complex depending on the relationship that has been lost or the circumstance the grief is in response to. Grief often has a strong physiological experience that accompanies thoughts and feelings. One can feel as though they are literally “weighed down” or numb. It is common for people to feel disorientated and unsure where they fit in the world after a significant loss. One may experience a strong yearning for their pet.
Mourning is the outward expression of the grief and loss one has experienced. Mourning is an essential aspect of integrating grief because it enables movement. If one does not allow themselves to express their internal experience this is often how individuals become “stuck”. Ways of mourning include; talking about the loss, crying, creating a ritual or way of honouring the loss, writing or journaling, going to a support group, seeing a therapist and more.
Healing through Grief
Contrary to the popular saying “time heals all wounds” this is not necessarily the case. It is what you do within the time. Healing involves finding ways to integrate your grief and to, over time, learn how to open yourself to the world again. When the loss has been severe, this can be a very slow, gradual return to living a life that feels wholesome and meaningful.
If you are experiencing grief and loss over the death of your pet talking to a therapist can be beneficial. If you would like to book an appointment contact Diane McGeachy.
Diane McGeachy
Psychologist
Gestalt Psychotherapist
Phone: (03) 6285 8592
Hobart Counselling Centre
Level 1, 181 Elizabeth Street Hobart TAS 7000
www.hobartcounselling.com.au
